When A Child Goes Missing:  What Do I Say To My Child?

As parents we are saddened and terrified by the news of any child who is hurt or missing. But when it is someone close to home, our emotions intensify, and the possibility that it could happen to someone in our own family becomes frighteningly real. We wait with hope that 7 year old Kyron Horman will soon be reunited with his family and friends. As days pass our anxiety grows.  

It has been unavoidable that our children have learned of the missing child. Of course, the children who know Kyron and attend his school are most affected by the events. The parents of these children have a daunting task---to provide comfort, age appropriate information, and reassurance that the world is still a safe place.

The news coverage has gone national and viral. Parents, locally and nationally, are aware of the story. And so are the children. Parents are asking, “What do I say to my child?”

There is not a simple or singular answer to this question, but there are some important reminders and steps.

Remember that children take their cues about how to respond from parents and other adults around them. If you are anxious and fearful, that is what they will absorb. If you are pretending, they know that too. Feelings observed without words or explanation are left open to misinterpretation.

Yet, it is challenging to explain a situation our children when it doesn’t make sense to us.  However, kids can take in the truth, if presented in age-appropriate doses.  Some suggestions:

Parent: A little boy is lost. And the police and many adults are looking for him. It makes me feel sad. 

Child: How did he get lost?

Parent: No one knows for sure. But they are trying hard to find him.

Child: I heard that someone took him from school.

Parent: He was seen at his school in the morning, but then his teacher thought he was absent when he was not in class. No one knows for sure if someone took him or what happened.

Child: Have they found that little boy yet?

Parent: No, he is still missing. It is very sad. There are many, many grown-ups looking for him. Are kids or teachers at school talking about it?

Child: Some are and some of the things they are saying make me scared.

Parent: What are they saying that scares you?  

(Listen carefully to your child and correct any mis-information and affirm your child’s feelings)

Parent: That would make me scared too.

Child: I want to help find him.

Parent: Finding him is a job for grown-ups. Would you like to draw him a picture?

Parent: You are safe here with me. Here are some extra hugs and kisses to help your heart feel better.

Younger grade school-aged children may work through uncomfortable feelings through art and play. If you see themes emerge of being lost, hurt, or taken—try not to react with alarm. It is normal for children to process their emotions in this way. It helps them give meaning to feelings and have some sense of control. Children may also be extra clingy, have some trouble sleeping, or have nightmares. Affirmation and reassurance are most important. Their feelings are real.

Please turn off the television and computer, and move the paper with headlines and pictures. Kids see and hear everything, so when you are talking with your friends, make sure the children are nowhere nearby. What they need to know should come directly from you. Maintaining familiar routines is reassuring and comforting to children.  If they want some extra time with you, or want you close, say yes. It makes our hearts feel better too.