Sputter Gasp Choke...The Sex Talk NOW?!

Sputter, cough cough, gag, gasp!  That was me trying not to choke on the ice cubes from my Diet Coke as my eldest daughter & I had a late afternoon lunch when she posed this to me:

“Mom, I don’t get it.  I mean, in the movies and all they show couples that “do it” before they get married, but then you hear all about teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases and stuff. And the girls at school talk about all the stuff that, you know, they’ve done, and I feel like a total geek because I haven’t done any of it and don’t want to.  I KNOW I’m too young, I mean, I’m only 12!!  But is it okay to or not?  So, did you, you know…before you were married?”


We’re having this conversation NOW?  My life flashed before my eyes.

This was my comeuppance for allowing myself to be drugged by the dopamine of my own brain because of some cute guy.  Is this where you ‘fess up?  Is it required?  Now, in my defense, I was not a “fast” girl as we referred to them in the 70s.  But I didn’t exactly “save” myself for my wedding night either.  My error came in hooking up with guys (not many, thank you) that were me me me. I, being the pleasing type, willingly fed right into their ego.  And then, of course, once their egos were satisfied, they moved on and I would seek out the next narcissistic boob to hang with.  Too much of my self worth was invested in people that didn’t have anything to give back. I guess I must have loved the negative reinforcement.

Somewhere, somehow, I regained consciousness from my “boy comas” and put a stop to what, ultimately, was self-destructive behaviour.  But that wasn’t until I reached adulthood.  Thank God that no children were born victims of my stupidity.

I looked at my daughter across the table.  She’s beautiful.  She’s athletic, smart, stubborn and wise.  And if she ever hooked up with any of the yahoos I did, I reserve the right to fire a sawed-off shotgun.  I don’t want that for her.  She deserves someone to respect her, cherish her, delight in her.  She deserves the beauty of intimacy that only happens between two people that deeply love each other.  Not some guy that’s gonna get his rocks off and brag about how he bedded her on Twitter.

Regaining my composure, I realized the conversation she was wanting was not about what I did or didn’t do, but what she should do.  She was pleading for guidance because she’s in over her head.  She’s become sexualized waaay to early.  But I couldn’t reverse it.  Media, our culture and her peers have made their mark.  I could have taken the moral high road and chastised her for even bringing it up.  I could have told her yes, she was absolutely too young and let’s have this conversation at another time.  I could have revealed my spotty history, which would have only served to confuse her more.  But I realized that she was going to have to make her own choices about this no matter how much I may preach to PLEASE WAIT!!!! (at least until adulthood).  All I can really do is provide her a compass, a foundation to spring from.  So, hard as it was, I took a DEEP breath and said a silent prayer that the right words would come.

Simply put, I told her sex, just like everything else in middle school, was like chess.  She had to anticipate 3 steps ahead.  And if she saw anything that threatened her overall strategy of wanting a loving union, then she’d have to remove him from the board.  Watch the people around you and take note – pay very close attention to their mistakes.  You don’t want to do anything that’s going to distract you from your goal.  Because, as you’ll see, there are no do-overs.  AND THAT’S WHY IT’S BEST TO WAIT.  The thing is, as a teenager, you require the guidance of supportive adults because you really DON’T know better.  And you will want to fight that guidance.  And if in that rebellion, you get yourself in trouble, know that I’m here for you.  You don’t have to go it alone.

“That makes sense to me.  Thanks, Mom.  I’m soooo glad I can talk to you.”

We went home and I promptly poured myself a glass of wine...

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Posted 9 Years Ago clearly, i have some new material to catch up on!! I love this Carole, it is like I can catch up on the 31 years that i missed!! Thanks and BLESSINGS to you and the girls!!


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