My first vivid childhood memory of loss and grief is of our beloved family cat who had become gravely ill. I remember calling home from the office phone at my junior high school to check on Mr. Tanner. I was truly heart-broken when he died.

I am more comfortable talking about death than most people I know. This ease comes from my own life shaping experiences of loss. When I was 19 years old my mom died after a very brief battle with cancer and my dad died three years later from heart disease. While this may sound strange, in many ways it has truly been a gift to have the intimate knowledge about grieving from the deaths of my parents.  Having walked this path, I am able to understand the enormity of the experience and sit with others as they begin their journey.

Talking with your child or teen about death and dying is one of the most difficult conversations you will have, and it can be one of the most treasured. I still have the picture that my daughter made for me after a walk we had taken. She was around age 6 and for some reason the topic of death came up.  I knew it was normal for children at this age to be curious about the concept of death. The conversation included sharing that my mother, her grandmother, had died long before she was born. We talked matter-of-factly about death and I shared a few memories of my mom. Later that week, she was coloring and on a piece of plain white paper and drew two stick figures and some railroad tracks (which is where we had walked) and then told her Dad what to write on the picture: “I miss you Grandma Rosenzweig”. My immediate impression of our walk and talk had focused on the experience of discussing death with my little girl. But my wise young daughter had taken in my memories and formed a relationship with a grandmother she would never meet.  

On some level, even young children are aware of the notion of death. Often they are interested in looking at dead bugs, may have seen something on television, or caught you in a tearful moment about someone who is very ill. You have probably read a book or watched a movie with them that includes death in some subtle way.  Life and death are inseparable. As parents, we need to give our children and teens permission to talk about death and dying, teach them about grieving, and help them celebrate and memorialize the lives of those who have died.

Your opportunities to have these experiences with your children may come in simple everyday interactions, because of an anticipated death of a loved one, or quite unexpectedly due to the sudden death of a family member or friend. These conversations interweave facts and feelings about death. Facts are about the dying process and the type of the death that has occurred.  Especially with younger children, it is important to use the words, “dying”, “died”, and “death” rather than “went to sleep”, “passed away”, “gone to heaven”, etc. As a parent you may be concerned or uncomfortable with your child’s curiosity about the specifics of the dying process or death. Asking questions is a child’s way of trying to understanding what death means. Typical questions are: “How did he die?”, “Why did she die?”, “Where do you go when you die?”, “What happens when you die?” or “Are you going to die?”  Answer their questions with simple direct statements. No need for long drawn out explanations.  

Developmentally, elementary school-aged children may associate death with more concrete images of skeletons or angels and may not fully grasp related ideas of funerals, burials, or specific religious practices. It can be more upsetting to this age group to see others grieving than learning about death of someone they knew. This is a natural empathic response. Children may exhibit a range of reactions when you tell them about the death of a family member or friend, including: clinginess, nightmares, anger, regressive behaviors (bed wetting, thumb sucking), or simply want to do something routine such as play. Reactions may be immediate or delayed.

Adolescents will also have questions related to the facts of a death, and these are usually similar to younger children’s but with the intent of putting the death into the larger context of life. They too will express various emotions and some will want grieve with friends, while others will want to grieve alone; each trying to sort out how the event has changed their own life and the very meaning of life itself.  Teens see themselves as indestructible and immortal. The unexpected death of a friend can be especially frightening, never imagining that one of their own would die. Adolescents have a difficult time regulating intense emotions and can easily feel overwhelmed and may lack the ability to express their internal experience of grief.  For some teens the unexpressed grief may lead to reckless behavior, guilt, or significant depression.

Be patient with your child or adolescent. Everyone mourns loss in their own way. Your own grieving may include tears and open expressions of sadness. It is fine to let your children witness this, but reassure them that a lack of tears or feeling numb is also normal. Offer them opportunities for conversations and be a good listener—silence and presence can be more comforting than words. Reflect on memories with them. Encourage participation in celebrations of the person’s life.

There is really no normal way of grieving, no timeframe. Children and teens need what we all need---time, comfort, and someone to walk along the path with them for however long it takes. And it takes a lifetime.

 

July 20, 2010