I am the proud Mommy of two beautiful daughters, Hanna and Katie. While I am not an expert on the psychology or science behind being a Mommy, I have learned a thing or two in my 8 years aboard this wild ride. Call them coping skills, call them helpful hints, call them whatever you want. Here are the two little nuggets of advice that get me through just about everything.
#1 - Laugh
Myth: Sometimes things are just too horrible and the only thing to do is cry.
Fact: Laughing is the greatest healer to any horrible situation.
My family and I have been through some pretty horrible things. I won’t bore you with the details, because everyone has their own set of horrible things they have been through. The things that have happened to me aren’t any better or worse than the things that have happened to you. It’s all relative. The way my family dealt with EVERYTHING was through laughter. There is a poster in my Mother’s house that reads – We Laugh to Survive. Laughter has gotten us through more tragedies than I can list. While laughing may not be appropriate right at the time (I don’t recommend laughing when your husband calls you to tell you he just lost his job), at some point, being able to laugh about it in someway, will move the healing process along at light speed. So how does this apply to your life as a Mommy? The more you can laugh at the little things, the better off you will be. Here is an example:
You are at the end of a long day. You somehow muster up the ability to make an amazing meal for your family. After an hour of cooking, you call the family to the table. They all come running in great anticipation of the wonderful meal you have just prepared. You proudly pick up the beautiful platter of home-cooked food and make your way to the dinner table. As you pass the counter, you decide to multitask and grab the salt and pepper too. Somewhere between the reaching and the balancing, you lose your grip of the platter. For a moment, time stops. It’s like you are watching a scene from a high tech sci-fi movie. The platter slowly heads for the ground. As you fumble to regain your grasp, you make it worse by causing the platter to flip upside down. It’s done. You look up before the plate reaches the ground and see the looks on your family’s faces. It’s the look of fear. The look that seems to say – Uh Oh, Mom’s going to lose it! Just then, the platter crashes to the floor. The food that you had lovingly prepared for your family now lays in a crumbled mess all over the floor. And since you can’t remember the last time you mopped the floor, you can’t even use the 5-second rule. The platter is shattered, your family’s dreams of eating dinner are shattered and your nerves are shot. As your family waits in anticipation of watching mom lose it – you find yourself with two choices. You can cater to their expectations and lose it. You can scream, cry, shout, yell or throw yourself down on the floor and scream – WHY ME!! All of these options are perfectly acceptable reactions. However, there is one other less often used reaction: LAUGH. Laugh so hard that you cry. Laugh at your clumsiness; laugh at your lack of grace. Laugh at the fact that you spent an hour making something that is now going to be licked up by the dog. Laugh at it all. Now, your family will be a little scared at first, especially if you generally use one of the previous means of expression. But as you continue to laugh, they will laugh right along with you. Albeit nervous laughter at first, soon you will all be belly laughing together and figuring out which can of soup to crack open for dinner. Bottom line, it’s not the end of the world. It’s not even a speed bump. It’s a blip. It’s a non-event. Have fun with it. Rejoice in the fact that you can laugh at something so unimportant. Enjoy the fact that this is a story you will remember and laugh about for years to come. As you practice this method on the little stuff, you will find a way to laugh at bigger and bigger things that come you way.
#2 - Take Time For Yourself
Myth: I don’t need any alone time. That would be selfish.
Fact: You not only need alone time, if you don’t take it, it will show.
I have a lot of friends. Some believe that it’s important to have time for yourself and some don’t. Let me explain with an example. Suzy, (name changed of course) is constantly there for the kids. She drives them to every practice, she watches every game, she does all the laundry, she cooks every meal, she single handedly does the homework with the kids every night, she volunteers as den mom, lunch mom, soccer snack mom, play date coordinator. Her entire day and night is filled with taking care of the kids. She also manages to keep her house clean at a level I could never achieve. In addition, she is a wife that makes June Cleaver look like a mom that CSD would come and arrest. She packs her husband’s lunch daily, makes his coffee in the morning, does all of his laundry including ironing, makes his favorite meals and cocktails every night and, as if that wasn’t enough, keeps him satisfied in the bedroom. (I know, too much information – but I am just amazed with all she does, she still has the stamina to put out!) Suzy is what I consider a Super Mom. That is, until you really get to know her. To really know Suzy is to know an amazingly talented person. Before she got married, Suzy was an amazing artist, creating some of the most beautiful pieces of art I had ever seen. She loved running, she loved spending time with her friends, she loved taking long bubble baths while sipping a glass of Pinot Noir. Back in the day, Suzy would come with us on our girl vacations and loved every minute of it. Since she got married and had kids, the only person she now keeps in contact with is me. Her “friends” today are the other kid’s moms. Their only common denominator is their children and their activities. I would venture to say that none of them know about Suzy’s gift for art, her love of running or her long bubble baths. That part of her life is history. It as been replaced with laundry, cleaning and taking care of everyone. Everyone except herself. I recently had lunch with her and her kids. There was a certain sadness in her. I don’t think anyone would notice, accept someone who knew her back then. While she loves her kids, her husband and her life, she knows she is missing something. What is she missing – Mommy Time! So many moms feel that they are here on this planet to care for their families. They lose track of what’s really important. If you don’t take care of yourself, no one will. You get what you put out. If you don’t consider yourself important enough to do things that make you happy, even if they are just for you, then you can’t expect anyone – your kids, your husband, your friends, your boss – to treat you any differently.
Now I have to admit, I am an occasional offender in this area. There are times when I find myself doing too much. I know this is happening because I get crabby! When I get crabby, I sit down then and there and focus on what I am crabby about. Generally, it is that I am doing everything for everyone. Picking up after the kids, putting my husband’s clothes in the laundry hamper, clearing the table, performing doggy poop-scoop parole, packing lunches, emptying the dishwasher. And the kicker - I’m doing it all with no gratitude from my family. Once you start to do everything, they expect you to do it. In that moment, I remember my own advice and take some time for myself. Maybe it’s handing the doggy pooper-scooper to my husband and encouraging him to take a turn. Maybe it’s calling my best friend and scheduling a happy hour meeting. Maybe it’s going to the grocery store alone to see what’s new in the cheese department. Anything that is just for me. Now I am not saying to ditch your family all together. It is perfectly acceptable and noble to take care of them and all of their needs. However, it is also OK to do something that makes you happy, even if it doesn’t directly benefit your family. In the long run, they will benefit. Remember – a happy Mommy is a better Mommy. Crabby Mommies result in crabby kids. Guaranteed.
So what’s the moral of the story? Laugh at whatever you can and take time for yourself. Those are the two little bits of wisdom that have taken me this far. I am sure when I am celebrating my 20th or 30th Mother’s Day, my advice will have changed a bit. After all, I have not yet been through those “teen-age” years I keep hearing so much about. Maybe if I remember to laugh and take time for myself, I will be better equipped to deal with them. More importantly, I hope I can keep learning new techniques from the best resource any Mommy has – OTHER MOMMIES!! If you are a Mommy with a problem or predicament, chances are one of your Mommy friends has already been through it and has the answer. Don’t be afraid to talk to your girlfriends. No matter how embarrassing or challenging the problem, another Mommy will, 9 times out of 10, either know the answer, because she has been through the exact same situation, or she will know someone who has. Use this valuable resource as often as you can. After all, what better gift to give a Mommy on Mother’s Day than the wisdom you have learned from your own Mommy experiences. She will thank you for it.
#1 - Laugh
Myth: Sometimes things are just too horrible and the only thing to do is cry.
Fact: Laughing is the greatest healer to any horrible situation.
My family and I have been through some pretty horrible things. I won’t bore you with the details, because everyone has their own set of horrible things they have been through. The things that have happened to me aren’t any better or worse than the things that have happened to you. It’s all relative. The way my family dealt with EVERYTHING was through laughter. There is a poster in my Mother’s house that reads – We Laugh to Survive. Laughter has gotten us through more tragedies than I can list. While laughing may not be appropriate right at the time (I don’t recommend laughing when your husband calls you to tell you he just lost his job), at some point, being able to laugh about it in someway, will move the healing process along at light speed. So how does this apply to your life as a Mommy? The more you can laugh at the little things, the better off you will be. Here is an example:
You are at the end of a long day. You somehow muster up the ability to make an amazing meal for your family. After an hour of cooking, you call the family to the table. They all come running in great anticipation of the wonderful meal you have just prepared. You proudly pick up the beautiful platter of home-cooked food and make your way to the dinner table. As you pass the counter, you decide to multitask and grab the salt and pepper too. Somewhere between the reaching and the balancing, you lose your grip of the platter. For a moment, time stops. It’s like you are watching a scene from a high tech sci-fi movie. The platter slowly heads for the ground. As you fumble to regain your grasp, you make it worse by causing the platter to flip upside down. It’s done. You look up before the plate reaches the ground and see the looks on your family’s faces. It’s the look of fear. The look that seems to say – Uh Oh, Mom’s going to lose it! Just then, the platter crashes to the floor. The food that you had lovingly prepared for your family now lays in a crumbled mess all over the floor. And since you can’t remember the last time you mopped the floor, you can’t even use the 5-second rule. The platter is shattered, your family’s dreams of eating dinner are shattered and your nerves are shot. As your family waits in anticipation of watching mom lose it – you find yourself with two choices. You can cater to their expectations and lose it. You can scream, cry, shout, yell or throw yourself down on the floor and scream – WHY ME!! All of these options are perfectly acceptable reactions. However, there is one other less often used reaction: LAUGH. Laugh so hard that you cry. Laugh at your clumsiness; laugh at your lack of grace. Laugh at the fact that you spent an hour making something that is now going to be licked up by the dog. Laugh at it all. Now, your family will be a little scared at first, especially if you generally use one of the previous means of expression. But as you continue to laugh, they will laugh right along with you. Albeit nervous laughter at first, soon you will all be belly laughing together and figuring out which can of soup to crack open for dinner. Bottom line, it’s not the end of the world. It’s not even a speed bump. It’s a blip. It’s a non-event. Have fun with it. Rejoice in the fact that you can laugh at something so unimportant. Enjoy the fact that this is a story you will remember and laugh about for years to come. As you practice this method on the little stuff, you will find a way to laugh at bigger and bigger things that come you way.
#2 - Take Time For Yourself
Myth: I don’t need any alone time. That would be selfish.
Fact: You not only need alone time, if you don’t take it, it will show.
I have a lot of friends. Some believe that it’s important to have time for yourself and some don’t. Let me explain with an example. Suzy, (name changed of course) is constantly there for the kids. She drives them to every practice, she watches every game, she does all the laundry, she cooks every meal, she single handedly does the homework with the kids every night, she volunteers as den mom, lunch mom, soccer snack mom, play date coordinator. Her entire day and night is filled with taking care of the kids. She also manages to keep her house clean at a level I could never achieve. In addition, she is a wife that makes June Cleaver look like a mom that CSD would come and arrest. She packs her husband’s lunch daily, makes his coffee in the morning, does all of his laundry including ironing, makes his favorite meals and cocktails every night and, as if that wasn’t enough, keeps him satisfied in the bedroom. (I know, too much information – but I am just amazed with all she does, she still has the stamina to put out!) Suzy is what I consider a Super Mom. That is, until you really get to know her. To really know Suzy is to know an amazingly talented person. Before she got married, Suzy was an amazing artist, creating some of the most beautiful pieces of art I had ever seen. She loved running, she loved spending time with her friends, she loved taking long bubble baths while sipping a glass of Pinot Noir. Back in the day, Suzy would come with us on our girl vacations and loved every minute of it. Since she got married and had kids, the only person she now keeps in contact with is me. Her “friends” today are the other kid’s moms. Their only common denominator is their children and their activities. I would venture to say that none of them know about Suzy’s gift for art, her love of running or her long bubble baths. That part of her life is history. It as been replaced with laundry, cleaning and taking care of everyone. Everyone except herself. I recently had lunch with her and her kids. There was a certain sadness in her. I don’t think anyone would notice, accept someone who knew her back then. While she loves her kids, her husband and her life, she knows she is missing something. What is she missing – Mommy Time! So many moms feel that they are here on this planet to care for their families. They lose track of what’s really important. If you don’t take care of yourself, no one will. You get what you put out. If you don’t consider yourself important enough to do things that make you happy, even if they are just for you, then you can’t expect anyone – your kids, your husband, your friends, your boss – to treat you any differently.
Now I have to admit, I am an occasional offender in this area. There are times when I find myself doing too much. I know this is happening because I get crabby! When I get crabby, I sit down then and there and focus on what I am crabby about. Generally, it is that I am doing everything for everyone. Picking up after the kids, putting my husband’s clothes in the laundry hamper, clearing the table, performing doggy poop-scoop parole, packing lunches, emptying the dishwasher. And the kicker - I’m doing it all with no gratitude from my family. Once you start to do everything, they expect you to do it. In that moment, I remember my own advice and take some time for myself. Maybe it’s handing the doggy pooper-scooper to my husband and encouraging him to take a turn. Maybe it’s calling my best friend and scheduling a happy hour meeting. Maybe it’s going to the grocery store alone to see what’s new in the cheese department. Anything that is just for me. Now I am not saying to ditch your family all together. It is perfectly acceptable and noble to take care of them and all of their needs. However, it is also OK to do something that makes you happy, even if it doesn’t directly benefit your family. In the long run, they will benefit. Remember – a happy Mommy is a better Mommy. Crabby Mommies result in crabby kids. Guaranteed.
So what’s the moral of the story? Laugh at whatever you can and take time for yourself. Those are the two little bits of wisdom that have taken me this far. I am sure when I am celebrating my 20th or 30th Mother’s Day, my advice will have changed a bit. After all, I have not yet been through those “teen-age” years I keep hearing so much about. Maybe if I remember to laugh and take time for myself, I will be better equipped to deal with them. More importantly, I hope I can keep learning new techniques from the best resource any Mommy has – OTHER MOMMIES!! If you are a Mommy with a problem or predicament, chances are one of your Mommy friends has already been through it and has the answer. Don’t be afraid to talk to your girlfriends. No matter how embarrassing or challenging the problem, another Mommy will, 9 times out of 10, either know the answer, because she has been through the exact same situation, or she will know someone who has. Use this valuable resource as often as you can. After all, what better gift to give a Mommy on Mother’s Day than the wisdom you have learned from your own Mommy experiences. She will thank you for it.
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